An Overwhelming Thought

Do you ever have those days when everything just seems too much to handle? Today is definitely one of those days...

         Just sitting here looking at this screen and thinking about my life is something that kind of freaks me out.  Once you graduate from high school people expect you to do great things with your life and get right into the work force.  Well I've accomplished getting a job and am still struggling to figure out what I'm going to do with my life.
         I'm not an outgoing person, I definitely don't like going on adventures by myself and am not one to do something out of the ordinary.  Some days I feel like I'm just a typical person that's blending in with the rest of the world.  Most days I feel like that actually.
         When you graduate, a lot of things change! Your friends can change, your motivation to do things and getting things done.  I feel like I've been sitting in this rut of "What Am I Going To Do With My Life" for too long and it's starting to get irritating.  So many people have asked "What are you going to do now that you're done school?" to which they are meaning to say, are you going to university in the fall and if so, for what kind of program? But I now reply "No, I'm going to take a gap year and just work." So many people don't really expect that.  Especially from someone like me who went to the Christian school, principal's kid, and should be starting their schooling.  It's hard to live up to people's expectations even if they're not directly implying it to you.
           I definitely know the face when I see it. The one that says "Ohh yeah, that's a good plan, work for a year THEN go to school..." I'm being 100% honest.  University NEVER crossed my mind when I was little, never thought about it, didn't even know it was there.  I just thought once you graduated from high school you got a job (that paid well) dated then married the guy, had a family and started your life.  It wasn't until my older sister went to university for nursing that I found out about it. I mean it was brought up in school sometimes but then, I was only in grade 8 so there wasn't any pressure.  None of my other sisters ever went to school, one worked for a while and got married, then had kids.  The other is still working and is now thinking of going back to school for a better job, the other worked like me, and got married and lives on the other side of the world.
           So where does that put me? At the beginning of that whole journey.  The stress of not doing anything leads to what? Thinking about life and worrying about everything is what I'm currently going through.  It's definitely not the most exciting time of life but I do want to make the most of it.  I want to "wish" so many things and that they would just happen, but I know they won't.
           Learning to be content in your current state is SO hard for me to deal with.  I remember my pastor talking about, don't wait for life to start once your graduated, married, retired, or in a nursing home.  You need to live every moment like it's your last and LIVE LIFE! It gets me excited to think about all of those things but then reality sets in and I feel like life hasn't really started.  I mean, all of this is definitely what my mind is thinking, I know everything is different when I talk about life in Christ, which is completely true, but I don't know some days I just want to talk about the frustrations of life and what I have to deal with. God is always there and I know that He's with me even as I'm writing this post saying "I'm right beside you, take comfort in me and don't worry about all of these things Andrea..."
             

Encountering Christ

So I went to California to go to the Jesus Culture conference and yes, I encountered the Lord in a way that I never have before in my life. 

          So our last night in California we went to Bethel Church in Redding and my life has been changed for the better, ever since.   The worship started off great (didn't know a lot of the songs but I was just happy to be there), and then one song came on I just closed my eyes and just focused.  All of a sudden I was seeing ripples (like in a pond/ocean) that went on for a long time and then this eye appeared and was just floating around.  It wasn't creepy it was just normal to me for some reason.  

         Then this old dead tree came into play and there was a bunch of stuff hanging off the branches and they were in picture frames.  Then they were just flying off.  So to put it in an analogy God was "pruning my branches".  During all this I'm bawling my eyes out and I wasn't embarrassed or anything because everyone was in their own place with God.  Crying in the building of the church is so comforting too, God's moving among his people and I was feeling so broken but I knew that God was there to pick up my heart.  He just kept taking things away from me that needed to go.  It definitely felt like the things were getting ripped out of my heart, pain was getting released and it just felt amazing (for lack of a better word). Then his face was just smiling at me and the next thing I saw was myself running towards him.  Kind of felt like I was in a film.  Where the girl with blonde hair is running through the golden field towards the sun.  That was the picture I was seeing.  

            For the rest of the night I couldn't really focus on what the speaker (Mario Murillo) was talking about because I was just in a different state of mind.  It was so awesome. I did pay attention, but I just felt so connected with Christ it was the first time that I had never felt physically and emotionally alone in a very long time.  I've definitely been feeling that lately, but when I think back to that night, I'm re-assured of God's love for me, and no-one can fill that void in my heart but Him.  

            So I had spent two weeks just trying to figure out what the vision was all about and to see if I could make any sense of it, but I couldn't.  So I emailed a friend that I knew could help and both her and her husband gave me interpretations which was incredible and totally makes sense.  Here's what they said.

            "I feel like the ripples in the pond that you described are the ripples in your life.  Each circle represents growth.  I also feel the eye is the Lord looking out for you and watching for you.  As you said with the tree scenario, He does prune us and it's to case further growth. He speaks to us and gives us pictures.  Sometimes they seem odd, but other times they seem totally understandable and comprehensible.  When God shows Himself in pictures, He's trying to get our attention and show us a little bit more of who He is."

           The second interpretation is the one that has really been digging at me, because I feel like what he said was right.  

           (This first part hit me the hardest out of the whole thing because I know he's 100% correct). "The dead tree can be you if you continue on the same path.  Pruning is necessary- when you look at apple growers -every year new growth comes and they actually prune that growth each year to get a stronger tree.  God is actually pruning your new growth to get it to grow in the right direction.  Growth will continue until you find eternity.  He will continue to remove things that distract you from focusing on him regularly...even things like computers, facebook etc take our attention away from Him and we really believe that God is getting ready to do something huge to the churches...We are going to see him like we have never seen Him before.  The worst thing we can do as Christians is to live a life in "fear of man"...That is a grave sin and basically an idol.  The only person that we need to fear is God alone and everything we do should be with that in mind."  

           Everything that I've written about, I'm still thinking about and taking to heart.  This post doesn't seem finished to me, and I don't know if it ever will...but I'm continuing to see out what God is laying on my heart and trusting in Him where I will go from here on out.